My promise to you, the reader, is to guarantee you, no actually comfort you that it will all eventually subside. Even as I write it is hard to stifle my feelings of grief. I want to touch your very soul. I want to reach out to that part in your gut, the one that tells you right from wrong and how utterly unfair life can be. If I can make you feel my pain, even in the slightest, then I've shared a piece of my journey with you. To hopefully help you see beyond all the statistics. If I can take you with me through this journey and you can stay with me till the last page, then I will have proven that I am a worthwhile person with many gifts to contribute and not just another case file number.
My guilt will always be there; it's a mother's guilt that plagues me. To some adoption is a precious gift to be given but for me, it was my baby girl that I yearned for. Some would say I'm the strongest or bravest they know. But I just loved my children even though I was too traumatized to be there for them. I wasn't out of choice that I left them. It was from the nightmare that became my life and wanting to spare them from it. I feared the system that could quickly dismantle my family.